You have been going out with a guy for a while (maybe even several years) and the relationship is fantastic. You love him and want to settle down and spend the rest of your life with him, but he is a bit standoffish.
He says that he is not ready for marriage or maybe that it could ruin the relationship, but you feel that these are weak excuses. Why won’t he just commit if he loves you and knows how much this means to you?
To quickly go over what is going on in his head (and yours), we need to look to the biology of men and women:
Women, because of their limited reproductive resources want to find one great man and have their children with him. They seek commitment so that their needs to be protected and provided for are taken care of when they are in the child bearing and rearing stages.
On the other hand, men have almost unlimited reproductive resources – too great to be effectively utilized on any one woman. Therefore a man naturally has the desire to mate with a lot of women, to maximize the number of his offspring.
Furthermore, if he commits to one woman who is a similar age to him, she will have low to zero fertility when the two of them are in their 40s and beyond, while he will still have moderate fertility. The natural thing for a man to want to do then is to partner up with a younger woman, who has high fertility.
This probably does not sound quite right or fair, does it? But these things are what are driving a man’s desire to keep his options open.
So how can you circumvent these biological desires in him and get him to commit?
1. Be a really attractive woman
As I have discussed in some of the other articles on this website, being an attractive woman does not just mean having physical attractiveness. It also means things like being feminine and happy; and having high self-esteem, confidence, and intelligence. You want to make yourself a standout woman, whom he could not replace.
2. Bond with him emotionally to such a degree that he could not bear to live without you
Time that you spend with him will create a bond. This bond is strengthened when you go through life’s good times and hard times together, and also when you share your most intimate thoughts, feelings and desires with each other.
3. Don’t give him all the benefits of marriage without commitment
If you give him all the benefits of marriage (eg. sex, washing his clothes, cooking dinner for him) without commitment, why would he want to commit? He already has everything that he would want from you.
You have to create the right incentives for him, so that it is in his interests to commit. Remember that people do things for their reasons, not yours.
4. Communicate to him that you want commitment, but don’t nag
Tell him that you want to get married (and preferably soon) and ask for his thoughts on the issue. Try to do it in way that doesn’t make you look desperate and needy or put pressure on him.
If he is not completely opposed to the idea, give him a certain amount of time (eg. six months to a year) and don’t nag him (nagging will create resistance to him committing to you). But don’t tell him about this deadline, otherwise it too will cause him to resist.
And if the time runs out before he pops the question, address the issue again – but more forcefully. Push him to make a decision one way or the other (ie. either commit to you, or the relationship is over) and be prepared to walk away if he doesn’t give you the answer that you want. Otherwise, a man can string you along indefinitely, until your best years are behind you, and then drop you for someone younger.
On the other hand, if he is initially evasive or even anti the idea of marriage when you raise it, you then have a problem.
In this case it is best to suggest that the two of you break up due to your different relationship expectations. This is your only hope of getting him to change his mind.
But don’t let him string you along with empty promises or maybes. And don’t whatever you do make it your mission in life to try to win him over if he flatly refuses to marry you in the future. This is only going to end in tears – for you.
At the end of the day, it is impossible to control another person. “How to get him to commit?” is really the wrong question to ask. A better one is: “How to make it in his interests to commit and encourage him to do so?” – which is what I have tried to show in this article.
When you do what you can to encourage him to commit, you put the ball in his court. And if he doesn’t then play ball, you go and find someone else who will.
I hope that these ideas on how to get him to commit have been useful to you. However, there is a lot more that you need to know than just these things – although they should be a great start.
To make sure that you are the kind of woman that your man would want to commit to, I strongly suggest that you grab yourself a copy of dating and relationship expert Amy Waterman’s excellent book Connect and Commit (which I have reviewed here: Connect and Commit Review).
It has been specifically written to help you naturally move to greater levels of commitment in your relationship, while avoiding the many pitfalls along the way that could prevent this from happening.
By following her advice, greater commitment and marriage should take care of themselves – if you and your man are right for each other.
Go and claim your copy of Connect and Commit right now: